themes of a life unfiltered

so, i finally made a friend. charlotte. and not a week later, she's in the hospital. ??? i finally find the time to go and visit her in the hospital, and she's fucking GONE. like, missing disappeared nowhere to be found GONE. WTF, mate?

i've been shrugging off a LOT of shit lately- i'll blink and suddenly i see snow falling and civil war soldiers in my peripheral... i blink again and it's gone... but this disappearing act takes the fucking cake.

the more my grief because i now am left with no one to talk to about this shit. fucking piss...

on a more hopeful note, i applied for a job at this cool used bookstore in town- The Attic. it's got a pretty nice atmosphere and i can't imagine anything more lovely than being surrounded by books all day long. books that have been read, loved, devoured. these pages are lost children, abandoned lovers... and i can look after them until they find new homes.

what a nice thought...

i can't bring myself to talk to anyone.  i hadn't realized until now just how a-social i am.  i mean, i've attended various social events and even made a few acquaintances now and then, but always at the behest of my parents or siblings.  i've had no need to make friends before.  but now i find myself in this new world devoid of all previous entanglements...  and i am completely alone.  i imagined it would be liberating.  not so.

i've been emailing anna, liza, and may almost daily.  precious liza responds the most.  she may miss me even more than i miss her.  before i left, she gave me one of her little gray kittens- to keep me company and watch over me, since she couldn't anymore.  i have no idea what to do with it.  i don't even like cats all that much.  but it means a lot to her- i couldn't refuse.  still haven't named it.  truth be told, it's been weeks and i've barely unpacked.

anyway...  i guess i'll go do homework or something.  perhaps a fire will break out and the rush of an emergency will force someone to notice me.  *shrug*

it seems a new adventure is soon to commence. apparently, father has discovered a new school through yet another one of his pseudo-philosopher friends. after doing some research, i'm intrigued. Eupheme. God knows i could use a change in scenery.

God knows i need a lot of things right now.

our current financial situation could certainly prove to be an obstacle to my attending. my parents have contacts to all the radical, new age, artistic, intellectual, boho-types in New England. yet money has never been easy for us to come by.

i'm sick of babysitting for the kids of these freaks. i'm sick of busting my ass in coffeehouses for nothing more than an interesting atmosphere and change for gas. i'm sick of getting stuck in traffic picking up the laundry of some prick who thinks what he blows out his ass is actually important because he wrote some asinine book 8 years ago.

honestly, i can't even remember the last time i felt inspired.  i close my eyes, but am met with only darkness.  silence.  solitude.  no imagined friend or foe will keep my company now.  my heart is filled with longing for something i've yet to see.  i've never longed for anything like this before.  and now... it's all but consuming me.

i can't bear to leave my sisters.  i hardly know who i'd be without their guidance and understanding.  no one else knows me.  at times it seems that no one else ever could.  i'm terrified to think that i could leave this place- leave everything i've known for the past five years... only to discover that i'll truly never fit in anywhere.

but i will search.  and if needs be, i will create for myself a place where i can be safe... at least, safe enough to discover who i want to be.  and when i can, i will bring all of those that i love into my haven.  and we'll never have to want for things again.  not love, not approval, not respect.  i have to make this happen.  for me, for my sanity, for my family.

it is decided.  whatever i need to do to make it happen, i'll go.  Eupheme, welcome to Louisa May Alcott.